


I’ll Miss You At Dawn

by Bite_Sized_Anger



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Adorable Steve Rogers, Fluff and Angst, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, M/M, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23671090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bite_Sized_Anger/pseuds/Bite_Sized_Anger
Summary: Tony Stark can’t live his life the way he wants to.He meets Steve Rogers who sits on the same bench in Central Park with his blue eyes and Apple slices.At dawn he knows his life stands still, peaceful in its wake. At dawn he knows Steve will always be there.
Relationships: Pepper Potts & James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	I’ll Miss You At Dawn

Tony Stark is running.

With his short legs, he’s stumbling along the sidewalk, ignoring all the glares he received from those he barrelled into. He never stopped and only kept running, leaving behind the ear-splitting roars in the dust behind him.

It’s a routine. Tony raced through it, falling into place where he needed to be and always knew what he had to do. It was always the same. Go to school, laugh with friends, get the grades needed, come back home - and always make his father explode in rage.

This is routine. Tony couldn’t tell if he was sick of it. Even as he ran for the umpteenth time this week, dashing past rows of picturesque houses and towards the dawn - he still didn’t know if he could break it and leave it behind. A small part of him knew that it was never going to happen. He pounded the length of the street, zipping round the corner until he ceased in front of the Central Park. Central Park had trees that seem to kiss the sky. The sudden effects of running for endless miles caved in on Tony and he sucked in a breath he should have done a while ago. It hurt, so much so, it made him question why he falls into this routine every time.

He was a genius. Numerous times was he close to winning the shouting match against his father - only to fail once more and run until his legs broke down and his body collapsed. Even if he was a genius, this was the one thing he couldn’t solve. And it infuriated him to no end. Birds chirped in interest as he stomped through the park, kicking pebbles aside in frustration. Pushing his father to the point of rattling the household with his uncontrollable rage gave Tony some satisfaction as he scrambled out the house, laughing his head off like a maniac. Tony hated his father, maybe despised him if he was brave enough, and knew that his father must have felt the same way. This time though, he wasn’t laughing his head off like a maniac. He was limping, carefully treading on his feeble legs in hopes that fatigue wouldn’t pull him down. He didn’t know it, but he was tired. Tired of these pointless shouting matches and losses, tired of not being able to just talk to his father like any normal son would-

“Are you okay?”

Tony’s head snapped up at the sound of the stranger’s voice. His vision whirled before he was peering at a skinny shell of a boy sitting on a park bench, no older than he was with blue eyes. He stopped, swiping his eyes and reluctantly spoke.

“I’m good. Always have been, always will be.”

The blue-eyed stranger didn’t blink and only stared back with a concerned expression. Locks of his floppy blonder hair fell into his eyes and Tony twitched at the thought of putting them in place.

“If you say it like that then I’m not sure you are.” Tony frowned at the stranger. He wasn’t used to people asking him if he was okay. His friends - well, the real ones - sometimes had the question hanging on the tips of their tongues but Tony would move on, make a joke, sing a song, always divert their attention away from him. He was a master at it; he’s been practicing for years. But now- now, a stranger he didn’t know could see right through him. Tony didn’t like that.

“It’s not really your business, Mr Stranger.” Mr Stranger chuckled at the nickname. “All strangers have names. They wouldn’t be a stranger if you knew their name.” He patted the space next to him, his blue eyes shining. “I’m Steve Rogers.”

Tony hesitated for a moment knowing that he was still conversing with a stranger - Steve actually, the stranger’s name was Steve, so he wasn’t a stranger any longer. He shrugged and moved to sit next to him. “Tony.” He said. “That’s my name.”

Steve smiled. “Nice to meet you, Tony.” Tony couldn’t believe he was sitting next to a stranger - Steve - and talking to him but he didn’t feel lonely anymore. There was more to Steve, something he couldn’t describe. Tony didn’t know why he even bothered to sit next to him - he practically collapsed into the bench so maybe he was just tired - but there was something, something in the way Steve’s eyes shone with warmth and the soft smile that graced his lips.

What was he talking about? Steve was a stranger and nothing more.

“And you too, Steve.”

Maybe.

~•~

“ANTHONY!”

He cackled like a maniac as he bolted out the door and towards the sun. A triumphant smile glimmered in the radiance.

This one’s going to last a while.

~•~

“Want an apple slice?”

Tony turned to Steve with an amused look. “An Apple slice? What are you? Some old grandmother?”

Steve huffed in annoyance and moved the apple slice away from Tony. “At least I provide food when you need it.” On cue, Tony’s stomach rumbled at the thought of food and Tony looked down, feigning shock.

“Betrayal!” He exclaimed as Steve started to laugh - a sound so soft it made Tony stare - and pushed an apple slice into his hand.

“Here. You must be hungry.” Tony begrudgingly took a bite out of the apple slice, grumbling. “What was it this time?”

Steve is part of routine now. That wasn’t even supposed to happen. When Tony rewinds the clock and falls into place, everything else is stringed along with him. At different times, moments will replay, a whirlwind of excitement and rage, before he’s whisked away and out of the house, knowing Steve would be there to comfort him. And he always does.

 _At dawn_ , Tony remembered. _He’s always here at dawn._

“Same as the last time.” Tony said, watching Steve pack up the apple slices in a small container. “Leave an amazing impression on the people around me - no surprise there - then once again lose it all to dear old pops.”

Steve nodded in understanding, a ruminative look on his face. “Did your father upset you again?”

“He doesn’t upset me.” Tony said bitterly before crossing his arms with dignity. “I do not get ‘upset’. Mostly passive aggressive.”

“It’s okay to be upset, Tony. I’m here to help.” Steve reassured him, his eyes soft with kindness. “I always need to make sure you’re okay.”

That’s how it always works. Tony runs a marathon and his prize at the end was a therapy session with Steve. It was nice, honestly, because Tony wouldn’t know where else to go. Steve was patient, always - for him - and he couldn’t risk losing the warmth that Steve provided.

Tony ducked his head to the side with a chuckle. “Steve, you make it look like I only visit you so I can dump my problems on you like trash. I’m not that type of friend.” Tony shook his head with a sigh. “Then again, who am I to judge? I’ve got not friends.”

“Not true.” Steve frowned. “I’m the type to nag my friends about their well being even though I have my own to look after.”

Tony stared at Steve in disbelief and awe. “If you don’t look after yourself, how can you look after others, Steve? Geez, you gotta remember yourself first. Like on an airplane - secure your oxygen mask first before helping others.”

“I’ve never been on a plane so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Horrifying.” Tony said with a shocked look falling upon his face. “Central Park’s great and all - trees and the leaves that never seem to leave you alone - but there’s other places out there.” 

Tony knew that well. From the coasts of LA to the industrial civilisation of London - Tony was lucky to see all. Unfortunately, having a father like Howard Stark accompanying you ruined the experience.

Steve smiled. “Well, if you think there’s other places out there, I would really like to see them.” He patted Tony’s hand with his own, his skin warm like glowing embers. Excitement ignited within Tony, crackling just under the skin.

To others, Steve didn’t look like much but to Tony, he was everything he could have gotten in a lifetime.

~•~

“You are stark raving mad.”

“Totally pun intended.”

“Must be nice, coming from a long line of amazing inventors.”

“Really? I don’t know - I’m kinda the anomaly. The lemon drizzle cake know one likes-“

“I like lemon drizzle cake, Tony.”

“Well, aren’t you a gentleman? I am delicious enough to eat-“

“Tony!”

“You can always come back for seconds!”

~•~

Tony had thought about breaking routine for a very long time.

The thought fluttered like a feather, tickling his conscience but he ignored it until he met Steve. He never believed in fate, knew that it was pointless to wish upon a shooting star but maybe the universe sought a way to prove him wrong. He was glad that it did.

“Tony! Are you coming or not?”

Tony turned to the people he called his friends. They were his friends, he knew that since he always made them laugh but he thought that maybe that’s why they were his friends. Just the class clown. Make them laugh and move on - no matter how much you wish to stop.

“Not this time, kids.” Tony said with a smirk. “I can’t always teach you everything. Lord knows I ain’t getting paid either.”

The assembly of friends echoed a chuckle. Pepper, one of the few friends that actually cared - or as Tony thought so - smiled sadly and nodded. “Are you sure? It’ll be like last time.”

Last time wasn’t even studying. It was cliche games of spin the bottle and slipping into the persona he called ‘Tony Stark’. Dancing until the sun went down, feeling trapped under his own skin, singing ‘till his ears bled and ignoring the way his soul broke and put itself back together. It’s part of routine.

Yes, Tony Stark was a playboy that crashed the party and made it look good every time. If only Tony could keep the suit a little longer.

“I’m good, I’m good.” Tony said as he turned away from the gang. “Always good, always will be good.”

~•~

“I hate you.”

Those words aren’t always enough to satisfy the insatiable hatred that wound up his metal heart.

For Tony, they will have to do.

~•~

“How’s life going for you?”

“Always repeating itself so nothing much can be said.”

“Relatable. At least you’ve got Buckster or whatever his name is.”

“ _Bucky_. And not always. He’s got places to be as well.”

“Well, your in luck. I, the brilliant Tony Stark, am always at your service!”

“Wow, Tony.”

“What do you need? Say the word and I’ll get it for you!”

“Make your own apple slices next time. I’m hungry.”

“Don’t you have your own?”

“You ate them all, Tony.”

~•~

“What your favourite colour?”

“I’m an artist so it’s hard to decide.” Steve hummed in thought. “I guess blue’s my favourite?”

Tony, who had been watching the clouds, looked down in amusement. “Why did I even bother asking? You look like the type to drown yourself in sky blue. Satin blue brings out your very pretty eyes.” He said with a smirk.

Steve blushed, his cheeks tainted red. “Stop that. Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?” Tony batted his eyelashes, his smirk even wider than before. “I haven’t even started yet. You should seen me when I’m wasted because that’s when I can get really thirsty-“ Steve immediately placed a hand over Tony’s mouth in annoyance.

“Geez, please stop!” Steve protested as he turned away with a bashful look on his face.

Tony gently removed his hand and held it tenderly. “I could write a whole love letter to you if you want. You seem to be fond of the old fashioned ways used to express love to one another. Trust me, I can be the Shakespeare that never reached success and only drank cheap whiskey in expensive wine glasses.” Tony snickered as Steve shook his head fondly. “I loveth thee. Thou art mine own dawn.”

Steve blushed as Tony crooned, taking in the sight of his red face. “How I even put up with you, I will never know.”

“You know you love me. I’m gorgeous.”

Steve only gave him a look that made Tony laugh even more. It spilled into the air like bubbles and Tony was surprised by the _god awful_ sound he made. It was close to a banshee’s screech but was different, more relaxed, a more natural sound that sent tingles of joy throughout his body. It was a sound Tony didn’t know he could create.

“Maybe you are.” Steve murmured, just loud enough for Tony to hear and he stopped laughing to stare at him in awe. Tony wasn’t expecting that. The way Steve said it with so much thought, so much emotion, made it so believable. His cynical metal contraption of a heart swelled with joy and all he could wonder was why he couldn’t fix it.

Tony pulled his hand away from Steve. His heart was freezing, weakly ticking to the rhythm of his insecurities and forcing him to stand. He was a puppet, controlled by the strings of a life he stumbled through and always made to forget the life he could have lived. Tony didn’t like it. He wanted to break free.

“Tony?” He turned to face Steve who watched him with a concerned look, deep orbs of blue staring at him with longing. The unspoken words that Tony wanted to hear aloud latched onto him with an iron grip but the feathery voice that told him to go tore him apart like a boat sailing into a storm.

“It’s time for me to go.” Tony said without a another glance at Steve. He could feel his eyes on the back of his neck, the delicate glance that was met with a dead end and nothing more. Tony moved on and left Steve with the apple slices they could have shared together, the sound of his heart breaking piercing his ears.

That night, Tony screamed, the sound shattering his walls and destroying his sanity, reducing it to nothing but dust. He collapsed on his bed, ignoring his father pounding on his door in vexation and quietly sung himself to sleep.

~•~

“Anthony, we need to talk.”

Tony looked away and started to climb the stairs. “Not in the mood.”

“Anthony, your behaviour is shameful. You will listen to what I have to say-“

“And, _I said_ ,” Tony started, his words so venomous, it scorched his tongue. “the same thing to you on the night mom died but you never listened, did you?”

Tony met his eyes, slamming his father with a cold glare. His face morphed with an expression of surprise.

“I thought so.”

~•~

“Have you asked anyone to homecoming yet?” Pepper asked as Tony sank into a chair next to her, exhaustion clouding his eyes.

“What?” Tony shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “Oh. No. I don’t think I’m going.”

Rhodey threw him a questioning look. “Really? Tony Stark, the guy who always throws parties to piss off his dad, is skipping out on homecoming?”

Tony waved his hand, dismissing the thought. “Kinda boring. My parties are extravagant and way better than a stupid homecoming where kids find an excuse to get into someone’s pants.”

Pepper frowned, her brow quirking upwards. “Aren’t your parties always like that?”

“I can afford the booze though.”

Rhodey frowned in disapproval. “Homecoming isn’t going to happen again, Tony. Once in a lifetime opportunity. Don’t miss out, man.”

“I’m good, everything’s good.”

When Pepper asks him out to homecoming later, he doesn’t comprehend the way her face falls as he says no. Pepper was nice, a true friend that stood out next to Rhodey and Tony was grateful but he knew that he’d mess up and ruin things for her.

It wasn’t fair on her. Not fair at all.

~•~

He was expecting Steve to not be sitting on the bench, apple slices in hand, a thoughtful look on his angelic face as he waited for Tony to come running. A small part of him wished he was waiting.

And he was.

“Tony.” He said, his eyes a warm blue that accompanied the rising sun. “You’re here.”

Tony flashed him a small smile before taking his seat next to him. “Sorry I... left.”

Steve shook his head at the apology. “No, I’m sorry for offending you in anyway!”

“You didn’t. It was my fault anyway.” Tony sunk into the seat next to Steve and shuffled closer to him; his warmth was tempting.

“It was just a misunderstanding. Everybody needs space and I might’ve overstepped my boundaries.” Steve said before casting his eyes down. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

“It’s fine, my dear Steve! I find it much more easier to blame it on my so called father. He’s a douche.”

“Only you’d use him as an outlet.” Steve said with a small smile. “You’ve always been someone who had so much energy - you give it your all.”

Of course Steve knew that. Tony could remember telling Steve everything about him, all his problems, his insecurities, his dreams - Steve was a book that held the pages that made up one messed up Tony Stark. He was a book that should’ve been destroyed long ago but instead held onto for just a bit longer.

Steve would hold onto him until the day he died.

And Tony would never know.

“Steve.”

Steve looked up in surprise at the sobriety of his voice.

“Please, will you spend homecoming night with me?”

Steve blinked and Tony immediately wanted to sink in despair. Maybe it was too much, too overwhelming for Steve to handle, maybe Tony was messing up all over again-

“I’d love to.”

Tony could have cried a river there and then. He didn’t for the sake of his pride and smiled, his eyes shining with happiness. Steve tilted his head and rested it on Tony’s shoulder, his breath warm against Tony’s neck. Together, they watched the first lights of a new morning illuminate the sky like twinkling stars.

Dawn. Always there at dawn.

~•~

Tony drew a line between himself and the persona he carried with him ever since his mom died. It was difficult, the ground rock hard, scratching at Tony’s hand as he made the line clear. It was done. He was determined to make it last.

“Anthony.”

Tony cringed at his name and turned to see his father, his arms crossed, a scowl on his face.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Tony flung the answer over his shoulder without a second glance at his father. “Homecoming. Yes, I’m actually gonna be outta your hair for once. Lord knows you need it too - I’m giving you too many grey hairs, aren’t I?”

“After all the trouble you put me through with your reckless actions, you’d expect me to let you waltz around with another boy?” Tony froze and cautiously eyed his father with suspicion. His father’s rage that seemed to be bursting at the seams only made it clear that he knew about Steve.

“Steve’s not another boy.” Tony turned away from his father and fixed his tie in the mirror before heading towards the door. “Now, I’m going to be horribly late if I don’t go so farewell-“

Without another word, his father yanked him by the collar and pulled him back until he stumbled towards the wall.

“What the hell?”

“You aren’t going. Don’t you understand? You. Are. Not. Going. Maybe it’ll teach you to have decency next time you go out again.” His father’s glare scorched Tony’s vision but he pushed through, slamming his fist against the wall.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That I’m not allowed to go out with someone I like?!” Tony glared, his eyes narrowing. “Is it because he’s a boy? Is it because you’re disgusted by me? That you hate the person I’ve become? Well, too bad because I’m not going to take orders from someone like you!”

“You will listen to me, Anthony! I have put up with your behaviour, your stupid actions, these pointless arguments and I have had enough! This is not how I raised you to be! Your mother wouldn’t have wanted any of this!” His father roared as he reared back like an angry bull.

Tony stood, his hands clenched at his sides, a raging fire conjuring up within, blazing the trails of self control Tony might’ve had before his father shouted at him. “You’re right. She wouldn’t have wanted any of this. Of you being a self absorbed bastard. Of you messing up our lives again. Of you deciding that everything’s okay when you damn well know it ain’t.” He smashed his hands into his father’s shoulders and pushed him back with all the force he could muster. “You’re the reason she’s gone! This is all your fault, you hear me? THIS IS ALL YOUR-“

Tony went silent as soon as the pain blossomed across his face. The blow struck his face hard, hard enough to crack his skull but the only thing that burned was the rage, a fire stirred up by the devil, still inside of him. He clocked his hand back, a fist forming and thrust it forward-

Only to miss as he was toppling backwards. For a second, the chandelier was above him, a chrysalis of diamonds dangling in midair, before he was falling, down, down, down away from the diamonds that shone like stars.

_Steve?_

His eyes were still open when he stopped falling but he wasn’t awake any longer.

~•~

He was lulled to sleep by the sound of Steve’s voice.

As he slept a peaceful sleep, somewhere, the voice became an echo and grew silent with one last cry. Tony was reaching out blindly, looking for something, for the sound his heart yearned for so badly.

“Tony! Oh my god, Tony!”

Hands brushed over his skin, soothing Tony’s sorrows until the only thing he could feel was the abyss of space that suffocated him. And that’s when his eyes flung open and he struggled to breath.

“Tony!”

His eyes darted, lights scattering to meet his pupils and he blinked in pain. “What the-“ He winced, muffling a yelp as pain flared across his back. “What just happened?” His eyes focused on the people in front of him, his gaze intent and clear. Pepper and Rhodey sat on either side of him both looking relieved and slightly worried.

“You fell, Tony.” Rhodey said as Tony’s eyes widened like baubles. “Fell down the stairs and nearly broke your neck.” Tony stared at both Pepper and Rhodey in disbelief.

“I... fell? Fell down the stairs? How the fuck did I just randomly fall down the stairs?”

“You tell us.” Pepper said as she crossed her arms and gave him a pointed look. “You didn’t even arrive fashionably late to homecoming - you didn’t even arrive at all - so Rhodey and I got worried and went to check on you-“.

“Only to find your mangled body at the bottom of the stairs.” Rhodey finished as Tony ran a hand through his hair frantically.

“What time is it? Don’t tell me I’ve been in a coma for like three months.”

Rhodey ran a hand over his face in response. “Asleep for two days, Tony. We thought you might’ve gone into a coma.” Tony sighed and tilted his head back against the pillows.

“Two days? From a fall down the stairs? That’s not even possible. That’s outrageous.”

Rhodey gave him a small smile. “Only you’d make it outrageous, Tony.”

“Aw, I guess you’re right. I have to make a big deal about everything.” Tony said jokingly as he fluffed up his pillows and smoothed down the blankets. Pepper caught his hand gently which made Tony look up with a questioning look.

“Was your father in the house with you?”

And all the memories came flooding back. Tony’s eyes widened as he sprung up in bed and made a hassle to get out of the blankets. Rhodey and Pepper stood up in protest.

“Tony?”

He was too busy remembering the way Steve smiled, his crystal eyes sparkling with joy. The way he laughed when Tony made jokes and easily spilled every little secret he spent years trying to hide because he knew that he could trust him. He could always trust Steve. Steve could still be waiting, waiting with his apple slices and the never ending patience of a kid at Christmas and Tony would not show up again-

“Tony?” He didn’t even spare Rhodey and Pepper a second glance.

“Steve.” He said before he was running out the room.

As Tony ran, the last part of his routine stomped its way in, pounding at the corners of his mind. To keep running, to never look back, to never change anything. He knew he could change, felt it whenever he held Steve’s hand in his, felt his warmth caressing his body whenever Tony came running into his arms, the wounds of his misery bleeding raw. Tony’s soul cried for it, the tears salty with his desire. And Tony had forced it down, the hostility seizing for control.

He dashed towards Central Park, the tangled thicket of trees lumbering like a beast laying down to rest. The wind seemed to cease as he stumbled over pebbles and squinted at the lights that shot from the horizon like fireworks. His breathe felt like icicles pricking his lungs as he halted in front of the bench. He panted, a smile of relief tugging at his lips.

Tony looked up. “Steve, I-“

Relief washed away as quickly as it had appeared, leaving Tony drenched in despair. The smile was gone giving way for the sunken expression on his face. Steve wasn’t there. Soon, he would be pulling on the suit, plastering a smile on for show.

The hue of a vibrant yellow peeking over the clouds was a soft glow against Tony’s skin.

It was dawn.

Steve wasn’t there.

~•~

“Do you know what you want to be when you’re older?” Steve had asked him once when Tony slowed down to a stop for the fifth time since they met. Tony had hoped Steve was still there the next time. He always was.

“I’m not a kid anymore.” He had replied, reminiscing the dreams he used to have of one day being a superhero. A dream he left behind already. Maybe too soon. “I’m obviously going to follow in my father’s disastrous footsteps, take over the company and live out the rest of my life feeling like a copy cat.”

Steve had frowned, a look of disapproval on his face - for who, Tony didn’t know so he moved on to his own question.

“And you? An artist? I’ve seen you sketch.” Tony had leaned over Steve’s sketchbook that day and indulged in the sight of Steve’s timidness as his work was on display. “You could be an artist, I’m sure.”

“It would allow me to go anywhere.” Steve gazed down at his sketchbook with a wistful look. “With this body, I’m a sitting duck.”

“Woah, woah, woah. This isn’t the time to feel insecure. That’s my job. Besides,” Tony winked. “You’re adorable and you know it.”

Steve ducked his head in embarrassment, his eyes glued to the page of his sketchbook in front of him. Tony had laughed his head off at the sight, probably still did now. They sat in silence, mesmerised by the rays that bathed them in heavenly light. Steve had smiled at him, his incandescent eyes urging him to smile too - naturally like the feeling of happiness had bubbled inside his stomach. It did, Tony remembered, and he missed the feeling so much so, it ached and sent him a jolt of longing.

“You know,” Steve said, his eyes tearing away from the sight of the large lantern in the sky. “I think the superhero thing suits you.”

“Oh, really? Thanks, Steve. Who would actually want my help?”

“I actually mean it, Tony. Really, I do. There’s something about you that tells me that you could choose to be like everybody else but instead you decided to soar towards the stars.”

“That’s very poetic, Steve. Ever considered being a poet?” Steve glared at him and Tony could remember finding it so cute he squealed - a manly squeal obviously - on the inside.

“You need to take me seriously, Tony. If anything, the sanity I have left will be spent making sure you won’t do anything stupid as your head gets bigger.”

“Ouch.” Tony feigned wincing with a grin. “Ego too big for you to handle?”

“I was talking about knowledge. Your thirst for knowledge.” Steve tapped his knuckles against Tony’s temple with a chuckle. “It amazes me what you can learn in a day or two.” “I wouldn’t have learnt anything if I hadn’t met you.”

“Not true. Not true at all.”

“You’re not just a sideline fling, Steve. You’re like the big deal, the diamond in the rough or whatever.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Tony. Or I’m really going to kick you.”

“Do it and I’ll have second thoughts about saving you.”

Tony had remembered Steve laughing and the way his shoulders moved to the soft chime of the sound. Tony couldn’t help but stare, content with the way he made Steve smile. He loved it and thought that everything about Steve was perfect, so radiant it blinded Tony. It didn’t matter how many times Tony messed up, ruined his life, destroyed himself over and over again - he knew Steve would still be there. He wanted this to last forever.

“Secure your own oxygen mask before helping others.” Steve had finally said, a thoughtful look crossing is face. “Save yourself before you save me.”

~•~

Tony didn’t feel whole.

Tony Stark obviously did, his unforgettable demeanour hyping up any and every day as soon as he came to life. Saying that Tony Stark came to life was a bit of an understatement - rather, he was never dead.

Tony, however, could’ve died a gruesome death and nobody would ever notice.

He had spent the next couple of days at Rhodey’s house. Rhodey’s mom was so welcoming with her cheerful smile and amazingly delicious food. Sometimes, Tony was jealous of Rhodey, wishing that his mom was like that too. He ignored the feeling because it wasn’t fair on Rhodey. He knew staying a couple more days was selfish but Tony wasn’t ready to see Howard. Not yet, at least. There were other problems he had to solve. Central Park was still as empty as usual. No matter how many people walked their dogs on the grass, it would always feel empty without Steve. That was one problem he couldn’t fix. It was infuriating. He knew nothing about Steve. Opportunities to ask about his family were pushed aside in favour of ranting about Howard. A chance to know about what made Steve who he was was bypassed so Tony could greedily devour those apple slices. He listed the regrets - listing what he didn’t regret could’ve been so much easier - and sunk into Rhodey’s armchair, his eyes meeting the dim glow of the light in his bedroom. Lists had structure and structure was good. Like routines, Lists were easy to track.

Sadly, his emotions weren’t.

Tony sighed in frustration and threw a pillow across the room - a pillow that hit Rhodey right in the face as he walked in.

“Stop messing up my room, Tones.” Rhodey grumbled as he picked up the pillow and threw it back.

“It was one pillow.” He said as he cuddled it to his chest with a sad look. “Besides, your room needs a makeover. I’m doing you a favour.”

“I’d rather you save that favour for something else.” Rhodey chuckled as he sat down on the bed near Tony. “Now, what’s wrong?”

“I did say your room needs a makeover. Looks like a troll threw up on these walls.”

Rhodey glared at him. “Stop avoiding the subject, Tony.” “Isn’t that the subject though? The design of your room?”

“No. I’m talking about you and your secret boyfriend you’ve been keeping from me and Pepper.”

Tony stiffened before looking away. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“You wanted to spend homecoming night with him.”

“He’s special, that’s why.”

“Special? Then, he’s more than a friend.”

“No! He’s just... different.” Tony protested with a huff. He crossed his arms in frustration. “Special.”

“You just repeated yourself, lovebird.”

“Shut up.” Rhodey sighed and gestured to the window. “Sometimes, I see you go to Central Park. You seem to be looking for him, aren’t you? You just can’t let him go.”

“Is it bad? Not letting him go?”

“Course not. This isn’t like the movies.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “It’s not a tragic love story. If it was, I’d obviously sacrifice myself for a jar of blueberries. That’s how noble I am.”

Rhodey laughed and they spent the rest of night playing video games and drinking to their hearts content. (Apple juice, obviously. Who wouldn’t pass up on that opportunity?) They baked a cake - or tried to, at least - and watched movies all night long.

By the time dawn filtered through the window, Tony was passed out on the carpet.

~•~

He remembered coming home after a couple of days at Rhodey’s.

He remembered punching his dad as soon as he saw him.

It’s more than annoying him, more than ‘I hate you’ but never enough for Tony.

Howard’s the reason why he couldn’t see Steve again.

There was a part of him that knew it was his fault as well.

It was easier to blame Howard though.

~•~

The next time he goes to Central Park, someone else’s waiting at their usual bench.

Tony’s one for personal space and doesn’t even bother to hide it.

“You are...?” He said as he sits down next to the stranger. It’s not Steve at all - short brown hair, dark eyes, dog tags glinting in his calloused hands. Tony doesn’t know what to think of him but immediately knows it’s Bucky Barnes. It’s one of the few things he knows about Steve.

“James Buchanan Barnes.” The guy said as he drops the dog tags, letting them rest against his neck. “You can call me Bucky though.”

“Weird name but okay.” Tony replied, slouching further into his seat. “So, what are you doing here? Wouldn’t expect a soldier to be bird watching in Central Park.”

Bucky smiles before fiddling with his dog tags again. He’s the opposite of Steve really - his laid back personality is different to Steve’s shy, caring one. Tony isn’t really annoyed - not anymore, he knows, because Steve taught him how to widen his perspective of things around him. Steve would always be the centre, no matter how many times Tony denied it.

“You must be Tony.” Bucky said after a while, his eyes meeting Tony’s. He was confident, social skills reaching the maximum. Tony Stark could relate. Tony, however, sat uncomfortably in his own skin.

“Yeah.”

“You must know Steve.”

“Yeah.”

“He talks about you a lot.”

“Really?” Tony said in surprise. He wasn’t aware Steve had other friends. With that thought, he suddenly felt very guilty. Add that to the list of things Tony didn’t know about Steve.

“All the time. And now that I’ve officially met you, you’re just as he described you to be.”

“Handsome and irresistible?” Tony guessed with an amused expression.

“More like annoying and bratty.”

Tony gasped and sat up to look at Bucky in disbelief. “Steve said that about me?”

Bucky grinned and pushed Tony back playfully. “That’s what I think of you.”

Tony snorted and looked away. “Why didn’t I see that coming?”

“Steve thinks your amazing. Smart and funny and kind.” Bucky furrowed his eyes brows and cast his eyes down at Tony. “I don’t know what he sees but I just see a midget the same size as him.”

Tony scowled. “Why did you even come here? Where’s Steve?”

Bucky‘s expression tightened, his dog tags squeezed between his nimble fingers. His whole demeanour had changed and Tony couldn’t help but fear for the worst.

“Steve’s sick. You know that right?” Bucky threw his dog tags into the air and caught them absentmindedly.

Tony frowned. “What are you talking about? He was perfectly fine every time he visited me.”

Bucky gave him a sad smile. “The idiot’s pretty good at hiding things and making people believe he’s okay.”

“Steve can’t be sick. He’s perfectly fine. He brings me apple slices everyday. He likes to sketch trees and bird and sometimes, me as well. We talk all the time and he likes to listen to me rant saying that he’s always be there for me-“ Tony sucked in a shaking breath. “This can’t be true. He’s fine. He’s fine. He’ll always be fine.”

Bucky sighed and placed a comforting hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Steve has a habit of not letting people in sometimes. Even his closest friends find it hard. He didn’t want to worry you, Tony. He loved you more than anything and what I know about Steve is that he’d never want to see a loved one cry.”

Tony could only stare at Bucky, his mind flooded with images of him and Steve. Steve was always smiling, always sketching, always comforting Tony, always listening to him. He’s never showed signs of being sick because-

“I’ve never noticed when I should’ve.” Tony said. He remembered small coughs here and there, pained expressions that were forced down with a happy smile. Steve was just as good as a master at hiding things as he was.

If one person could see that, it should have been Tony.

Bucky squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t start kicking yourself over it. Believe me, I’ve done that enough already. Steve’s okay, though. He’s going to be alright. We’re leaving for London tonight to get Steve the treatment he needs.”

Tony’s eyes widened in shock. “You’re going to London? Tonight? As in-“ he quickly checks his watch. “A couple of hours?”

“Dawn’s probably the appropriate time to use.” Bucky said as he started to stand. “I came here to deliver a message from Steve so I hope your listening.”

Tony sat up attentively, swiping his eyes. “He said that the days he spent with you were the most important moments of his life. Because they’re important, he was wants you to get your shit together and live - as cheesy as that sounds, you better follow his orders.” Bucky turned to him, his hands gripping his dog tags, knuckles white under the skin. For a fleeting moment, Tony could see the frustration burning in Bucky’s eyes and he tried to swallow the lump in throat. He wasn’t the only one that wished Steve was here. “See you, Tony.” Bucky finally said before he ventured on into the night. Tony watched his sturdy back shrink into the dark before he sniffed and fell back against the bench. He was silent, the gentle breeze caressing his hair and kissing his face, leaving Tony with a painful feeling of sorrow that ate away at this stomach. He swiped his eyes furiously and collapsed on top of the bench, the sky like a cave that looked over him. Tony squeezes his eyes shut at the piercing light of the stars and held in a sob.

“Steve, you idiot, why don’t you tell me these things?”

He wished it was a joke. Maybe Steve wasn’t really sick and this was just a prank to see how Tony would react. That would obviously hurt Tony but it was better than him crying on a bench by himself.

“You’re not being fair, Steve. Asking me to save myself. How about you?” His voice wobbled and his eyes burned with tears. “Dumbass. Dumbass Steve. If you die, I’m personally going to resurrect you just so I can kill you again.”

His routine would fall apart. His routine revolved around Steve - every moment of his life blurred and focused as soon as Steve came into the picture. Without him, this routine would leave Tony in pieces.

“I really hate you, Steve.” Tony grit his teeth, the words forced out with unstable anger. His wounds were gaping raw and he all he could do was cry and cry.

Tony Stark’s going to be having the time of his life.

Meanwhile, Tony’s going to burn until there was nothing left but ashes.

He clenched his fist, sinking his teeth into his left one. Steve would always comfort him by holding his hand, the gentle touches he left behind now painfully numb as sobs racked his body. He missed Steve Rogers and his dazzling blue eyes. Missed him and his tender smile and his stupid floppy blond hair and how he was amazing at drawing. He missed the way Steve would lean into him, seek his comfort and warmth, always offering to do the same for Tony. He missed Steve and his apple slices and his Brooklyn accent and the way he never gave up on anyone - especially Tony. And with that, Tony couldn’t hold it in any longer and silently broke apart. His routine was unravelled, slowly burning as he let out a strangled sob.

Pepper and Rhodey found him later, curled up on the bench, bathed in the honey glimmer of dawn.

~•~

_“People think I talk to much. Yet, they turn to me to do something extraordinary.”_

_“Well, aren’t you extraordinary?”_

_“You flatter me, Steve but it’s really tiring having everybody leech off of me for god knows what.”_

_“Don’t offer yourself then. You’re Tony Stark. Do what you want. Why let anybody stop you?”_

~•~

Tony allows Pepper and Rhodey to pull him onto the Pepper’s couch and sandwich him between their warm bodies. It surrounds Tony with a empyrean stillness which only makes him want to bury his head into a pillow and cry. He doesn’t though; Pepper and Rhodey make him watch old snappy comedies; they're smiling when he’s laughing so hard he can’t breathe.

He finds it strange that breaking routine would make him lose Steve but at the same time, it sets him free. This time he was living through life, stopping when he needed to, laughing when he wanted to and making sure he made the most of it.

It’s all for Steve anyway. Tony’s glad he’s able to repay the favour.

He’s glad that it made him happy at the same time too.

~•~

“I’m sorry for being a bastard son to you.”

His father looked up, eyes widening at the sudden apology.

“I also forgive you.”

His father rose to his feet, speechless as Tony grabbed his suitcase and headed for the door.

“Things might not be great between us but,” Tony paused, his eyes now glassy with unshed tears. “I’ve learnt from my tragic love story that the people in my life are important- even your sorry ass.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply and walked out the door into the arms of Pepper and Rhodey. He’ll manage on his own from now on.

A week later, in his small but comfortable apartment, he found an envelope with a cheque, his mother’s ring and a note:

_Do with it what you will._

Tony laughed, ripping up the cheque but keeping the note and ring in a small velvet box he hoped to bring out one day.

Someday.

~•~

Tony Stark does not run.

He saunters, makes heads turn, make chicks faint every time he winks in their direction. When your a genius and a billionaire playboy philanthropist, life is an extravagant luxury to live. It’s odd to find Tony Stark in Central Park. He usually locks himself up in a lab at Stark Tower, tinkering until Pepper or Rhodey pull him out to put him to bed.

This time, Tony Stark’s waiting for dawn. There’s a feeling, a feeling so strong it forces him to move through the park with a wistful look on his face. Birds chirp with interest as he passes them, their melodies tickling Tony’s ears. The trees are still skyscrapers but the buildings that accompany them have changed over time as Tony’s home evolves into something powerful and pristine. Tony Stark would move on until he reached the comfort of his tower. He adjusts the cuff of his button up and turns to go.

The breeze ruffles his hair and he stops. His eyes widen. And then, Tony’s running. It’s highly unprofessional and peculiar but Tony never cared for reputation from the moment he met Steve. He’s remembers his eighteen year old self running on the same path, trying to find something, someone-

This time he slows to stop. He’s panting but it’s a feeling he ignores as he smiles at the bench before him. His eyes soften, a sketchbook reflected in the dark pupils before he blinks and moves to sit on the bench. His ridiculously expensive suit is crumpled. Rotten apples surround the bench in small clumps but Tony’s still smiling when the man next to him turns to greet him.

“Hi, Tony.” His blue eyes are shining with unshed tears.

“Steve.” Tony said before he wraps his arms around Steve, burying his face into his neck. The scent is comforting and Tony scrunches up his nose, not wanting to cry.

“How have you been?” Steve asks with a fond smile as he wraps his arms around Tony and buries his face into his hair. Words could spill, emotions flaring - they always have - but for once Tony chooses not to say anything.

Dawn is warm as it glows, lighting them both up in its soft lustre.


End file.
